It's Been Strange

Still chuggin' along as I continue to heal from surgery and deal with the loss of Gracie the guinea piggy a week ago today.

It's been strange ever since I was in the hospital. While there, I had some very vivid, colorful dreams. My dreams never really make sense, and that was the case then, too. But for some reason, one of those dreams bothered me, although the dream itself didn't have any nightmarish imagery or anything I could define as bad. In the dream, I missed out on an opportunity. I've had dreams like that before, but this one...well, I don't know why it continues to haunt and bother me, but it does.

In addition, I've had operations before, but this is the first one where a piece of me -- not just a growth -- was removed. And it was a piece of me where a small part was cancer.

This last point is especially significant. It was the first time a part of me had turned into the bad guy, to the extent where if I hadn't caught it, it could have killed me. Maybe that's all part of the mental issues I've been having: the death of our pet plus the fact I narrowly skirted death myself are sobering thoughts. I know I'm not gonna live forever. Of course I know we're all going to die, but OMG! This time it isn't just an academic reflection of our futures. I'm really going to die some day!

My Christian faith is supposed to comfort me during times like this. But it doesn't. Something's changed in me, and I don't know if it'll go away in time or not. I still feel tired a lot, and I know major surgery does that to patients. Maybe when I'm up and around more and I can become involved with life again, I'll feel better about things. Or maybe not.

I guess you'd have to be a surgery patient yourself to appreciate this; otherwise, the previous paragraph could be explained away by the lingering effects of the morphine and, later, the Pergocet I was given for pain.

Think I'd buy that explanation? What do you think?

It's been strange ever since I've been in the hospital.

No More Gracie =(

Today was one of the days we pet owners dread the most: when we see a pet's health deteriorate and we know we have to have to euthanize our critter.

In our case, the critter was Gracie, a guinea pig we loved more than we ever thought possible.

We acquired her from one of The Wiffee's co-workers in 2008. Gracie had already been well-socialized and was used to being handled and petted. We both enjoyed holding her, but it soon became obvious that I was Gracie's favorite human. She gave me "puppy-dog eyes" (even though she's a guinea piggy) when I petted her, and she trained me to pet her in all the right places. She also "kissed" me by licking and nibbling on my lips, and she often would hold perfectly still so I could do the same to her. She never did this with The Wiffee OR with the previous owner, and, needless to say, this endeared her to me tremendously.

Every so often, Gracie would have days when she wouldn't eat or drink anything for a day, then the next day she'd be perfectly fine. But last Thursday (9 Dec), she stopped eating and drinking, and she never really restarted. We took her to a vet on Saturday for some answers, and we got a few more answers today. Bladder stones, often a genetic predisposition in guinea piggies, were filling the space in her bladder. Cystic kidneys, which were undoubtedly shutting down and causing even more problems. And she was developing labored breathing. Plus, she was slowly starving and possibly dying of thirst as well (she was bloated, so I'm not sure if she was dehydrated and bloated at the same time). Her kidneys were enlarged and didn't feel right to the vet.

So, as hard as the decision was to make, we decided to have her euthanized today. We probably shouldn't even have waited this long, but we still had hopes she might rebound, and it's so hard to let go of critters we love so much.

Now, many tears later, we have to undo all of the habits and things we did for Gracie, and it'll be hard -- she became so ingrained in our daily lives. I had never been so attached to a pet before -- and as you might expect, I'm having a really hard time dealing with this right now.

Major surgery for me at Thanksgiving. Losing our beloved guinea piggy just before Christmas. I can't predict how I'll feel in a few days or weeks, but for now I'll just say: I'm just not in the mood for a holiday.

We love you, Gracie, and we believe you loved us, too. RIP, you cute, lovable piggy, you. =(

Some Thanksgiving THAT Was!

Uhh-h-h-h-h-h...

This year's Thanksgiving left a little to be desired. Dinner for me was broth and clear liquids, followed by drinking a liter of very salty water with no flavoring added.

Y'see, my wife was laid off from her job in early November. That means our medical insurance would expire by month's end. So I knew I had to get catch up on the various tests I needed.

One of these was the fecal occult blood test, a screening for colon cancer. Unfortunately, I tested positive, which meant I had to submit to a colonoscopy to determine the cause of the bleeding.

Turns out I had some cancer cells, and I was quickly scheduled for surgery. On the day after Thanksgiving.

So now I'm recovering from surgery and doing quite well considering they removed most of my ascending colon. The cancer (adenocarcinoma, a rather aggressive form of cancer) was Stage 1 -- it didn't appear to have spread outside of a 20mm (3/4")-wide tumor. I should be OK -- for now.

The whole event was surreal -- actually getting cancer, having a piece of me removed (not just a growth, as in surgeries past) and knowing I have to be better in time to resume teaching my microbiology class in mid-January.

Also, I never felt as close to death as I did during this time. I had thoughts that I might not survive the surgery itself, and I made sure The Wiffee was up-to-date on all of the passwords I use when I pay bills online. And, of course, I didn't know what they would find after they ripped my colon out of my body.

Well, obviously I survived, I feel very little pain, and I'm mostly just tired and find I don't focus on things well right now -- like I kinda don't give a rip about anything. I'm sure that will go away in time, and I have to remember to take it easy on myself as I continue to heal from this trauma to my body.

Meanwhile, I'm still looking forward to Christmas, although I won't be physically active in going around visiting, shopping or attending events. But I'm glad to be alive, glad I didn't procrastinate any more than I did (or I could have had a very different ending to this story) and glad that God apparently wants me alive for a bit longer, to do whatever it is He wants me to do.

Maybe there's a painting I'm meant to do -- and I have to be here long enough to do it!

Deviant -- Part II

Last time, I mentioned I've been spending time on deviantArt.com. Limited sales opportunities are available there -- whatever image you post there can be used to make prints, including (I think) on substrates other than paper.

These are some of the things I've learned about deviantArt:

• Lots of "manga & anime." I haven't gotten this genre figured out yet. Sort of cartoony/fantasy/warrior-like, all at the same time. And the characters have a thing for gloves w/o fingers.
  
• Lots of really cute females there. Many of the photos show models who, I'm sure, were chosen because they're attractive. But here, the artists post self-portraits, and the ARTISTS are unbelievably cute! I don't remember seen that much cuteness when I was younger. Where'd they all come from?
  
• Love and sex are common themes in deviantArt. I haven't made a count, but lesbian themes seem to be more common than gay men or hetero images.
  
• Otherworldly imagery is the overwhelming look.
  
• I love that the romantic images show people holding hands, fingers interlocked. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that's sexy!

DeviantArt features quite a wide range of quality, from very-well done (usually in photography) to sketches made on ruled paper used to practice handwriting in elementary school. I can't say to what degree the "Deviations" (members are "Deviants," and images are "Deviations!) represent what younger people, especially, enjoy in their art. But I have been wondering:

Who are the art collectors of the future? Will classical realism in painting attract younger buyers at all, or will painters like me become totally obsolete? Will these kids grow up able to buy the type of art I do, assuming they even want it? Or will they be happy to hang mass-produced posters of anime or comic-looking characters? Or might they be able to subscribe to a service that downloads images of their choosing to a large LCD flatscreen, eliminating the need for originals or even prints of an artist's work?

Don't know, don't know. Maybe that's part of what fascinates me so much about deviantArt.com. It could be showing us the look of the future...or it could all be a fad that will blow away in the winds of the coming years.

Deviant

Yes, it's true: I'm a deviant!

That's what they call members of deviantArt.com. And I'm one of them.

I haven't had the opportunity to explore this site in detail, but artists post examples of their work which are all "collected" together on page after page of...well, quite a variety of work and artists from all over the world.

In a sense, I don't really fit there: classical/traditional artists (like me) are few and far between on deviantArt. There's photography, digital art and drawings and paintings, but the results lean toward the fantastic and "manga/anime," a cartoonish style that I haven't figured out yet. If members turn the mature content filter "off," many nudes and sexual images (especially lesbian encounters, for some reason) appear among all of the different styles and media types. Some of the language, in addition to the images, are not suitable for children, IMO.

I'm sure deviantArt is full of artists who are simply looking for a place to display their art. But if I understand right, once an artist posts an image, other people can order copies of the image as prints, T-shirts and other objects. DeviantArt and the artist then split the proceeds. This is where the business part of it comes in.

At this time, I don't know if this will be a venue that will be helpful to me. But as time goes along, I hope to get a better idea of what would work for me and, perhaps, make images that are unlike the traditional landscapes I make now and try 'em out on deviantArt.

Hmmm...I wonder if there is such a thing as anime cactus. =)

Beginning a Life's Change

If you were to check back to my post on 6 October 2010, you'd read about my sleep apnea diagnosis. Well, earlier this week I received a CPAP machine -- and the beginning of my life's change.

It takes some getting used to. The mask I wear looks like the ones fighter pilots wear. The sensation of having air blown into me is ... different: I can't exactly describe it. If I open my mouth when the mask and machine are on, my cheeks actually inflate and puff out like a balloon! The worst part, other than the discomfort of the mask itself (which I've heard I'll get used to), is when the seal isn't fitting tightly against my face. Then air leaks through the tiny gap and makes a sound that's similar to ... um ... "cutting the cheese." It's funny in a way, but it also wakes me up -- and keeps me awake until I mess with the thing until the sound stops.

I haven't had a full eight hours of sleep a night this week, but I've noticed I already have more energy, even if I'm a little sleepy. I'm been doing things again, including working on a painting after a significant break. (I hope to finish it tomorrow). And I have more in mind that I want to do.

The change has begun. For a long time, I thought I was too burned out to make art anymore. Turns out I'm not that burned out after all -- just sleep deprived. The machine is helping even though I'm still adjusting to using it.

What a difference.

I just may survive yet!

Sleep and Nature at Its Best

Ah...some good news since my last post: apparently I'll be getting a CPAP machine (100% covered by insurance) to treat my sleep apnea problem. HURRAY!!! I know it'll be an adjustment at first, getting used to having a mask on my face. But I've heard from other artists I know that once the patient gets used to it, they won't go back to sleeping without it. It'll be interesting.

Meanwhile, The Wiffee and I took a trip around SoCal this week, although it rained a good part of the week. It figures. But at least I was able to take a few worthwhile pictures to use in painting some artwork. Some of these were plants like tree ferns and cycads, which will appear in any additional dinosaur paintings that I make. And then there are views like this desert mountain west of Palm Springs, CA. No comments needed: