Monday, December 20, 2010

It's Been Strange

Still chuggin' along as I continue to heal from surgery and deal with the loss of Gracie the guinea piggy a week ago today.

It's been strange ever since I was in the hospital. While there, I had some very vivid, colorful dreams. My dreams never really make sense, and that was the case then, too. But for some reason, one of those dreams bothered me, although the dream itself didn't have any nightmarish imagery or anything I could define as bad. In the dream, I missed out on an opportunity. I've had dreams like that before, but this one...well, I don't know why it continues to haunt and bother me, but it does.

In addition, I've had operations before, but this is the first one where a piece of me -- not just a growth -- was removed. And it was a piece of me where a small part was cancer.

This last point is especially significant. It was the first time a part of me had turned into the bad guy, to the extent where if I hadn't caught it, it could have killed me. Maybe that's all part of the mental issues I've been having: the death of our pet plus the fact I narrowly skirted death myself are sobering thoughts. I know I'm not gonna live forever. Of course I know we're all going to die, but OMG! This time it isn't just an academic reflection of our futures. I'm really going to die some day!

My Christian faith is supposed to comfort me during times like this. But it doesn't. Something's changed in me, and I don't know if it'll go away in time or not. I still feel tired a lot, and I know major surgery does that to patients. Maybe when I'm up and around more and I can become involved with life again, I'll feel better about things. Or maybe not.

I guess you'd have to be a surgery patient yourself to appreciate this; otherwise, the previous paragraph could be explained away by the lingering effects of the morphine and, later, the Pergocet I was given for pain.

Think I'd buy that explanation? What do you think?

It's been strange ever since I've been in the hospital.

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